SOUL The Disney Movie That Changed My Life (Artist's Edition)

Hey guys, I'm back again, this time with something of a movie review. Before I go in proper, let me just quickly announce, there may or may not be spoilers ahead. Yes, I know it's been out for awhile, but it hasn't been out all that long and personally, I really really really dislike spoilers, so I'll just get this out there before we start.

I say "may or may not" mostly because I'm not quite sure whatever I'll say would count as a spoiler anyway. The thing is, I feel that with this movie, what actually happens in the end doesn't really matter. Knowing the ending before it comes doesn't matter because it's the in between that lends this movie its magic. If you knew me in real life, you would probably go, "Ok, but you're a pretty big fan of sappy Disney movies and moral of the story things, you're gonna be biased." Well, I won't say you're wrong, but this movie truly baffled me for a long time before I figured out why.

Now I'm being extremely cryptic and chances are, you're getting a little discombobulated, so let me just actually start explaining myself instead of making everything worse.

I went into this movie with nothing. No expectations, no idea of what might happen or what it might end up meaning to me. All I knew was from half a trailer I watched, mostly being, ok there's this dude, he loves music, he dies. That's all I got out of it, and that's how I began the movie. I sat down with my family, all excited about the latest movie (mostly because the animation looked good, the story idea seemed fresh and ok, I admit, I am a pretty big fan).

At the beginning, all was good and it intrigued me like any other movie would. The storyline touched me and developed beautifully. And then it ended. Of course, being a Disney movie, there were no loose ends (obvious ones anyway) and it was as good a happily ever after as can be, but somehow, something felt off and I couldn't quite place my finger on it. Ending the movie left me a little empty and I didn't quite know why. Anyone else I knew who watched it - my family, my friend - simply said they weren't a fan of this one because they didn't get it. Sure it was cool, but so what?

So what? What did the movie mean? Why did it unsettle me so deeply but left everyone else I knew uninterested, flippantly entertained at best? Like I said, the content of the story wasn't particularly stunning in any way; why did it affect me so?

It bothered me a couple of days, I'll admit, but over time and the hectic start of school routines, I shoved it to the back of my mind. There, it stuck for quite some time, until I stumbled across a youtube video. Exactly what it was about, I don't quite remember, but it had something to do with characterisation in the movie. It caught my eye, because as a literature student and artist, this kind of thing just piqued my interest. I was curious to know how others saw the movie. I didn't find what i was looking for, but I found what I never expected to find.

The video brought up 2 things that I remember clearly. One, the idea of want versus need. Two, what happens after you get what you always wanted.

Without context, perhaps this wouldn't make much sense, so I'll fill you in. The main character is essentially a musician. He dreams of making it into a band, playing with his idol and living his dream life; he dreams of music, his joy and love, as his job. Of course, life sucks, and he was introduced as a music teacher, who didn't seem quite happy with where he was, but was invited to stay in the permanent, "stable" career.

At this point, miraculously, he received the call of his life, and after a couple of scenes, landed the best opportunity he ever had, a chance to play in his dream band the next night. And then, obviously, in the one magical moment of his entire existence, he had to go and die. I shall summarise a little and basically tell you, he (evidently) tried his very best to come back to life, faced a couple of trials, but ultimately made it back to life for a couple of stolen moments to live his dream. And this is where I was most deeply shaken.

Remember the youtube video that started all this deep evaluation of mine? It made me realise how much the movie meant to me, how personal the problem was. See, this character, the musician, has a "need" and a "want". Clearly, his "want" is to play music for his life. Obviously, his "need" was never very much addressed, for he saw his "want" as something of a "need". He didn't want to play music professionally, he needed it. It was his only goal in life, the one thing he ever really wanted. He wanted it so much, he needed it. It was his dream and his everything. Everything in his life amounted to that moment of joy and success. If he managed to live that dream, he's done it, he would be satisfied with life.

Now, his mother couldn't see that. There was a point in the movie where he argued with her and said something that stuck with me for weeks after the movie ended. This one line is what I would tell you I remember the most from the whole movie. It goes, " I’m just afraid that if I died today my life would have amounted to nothing." And this one simple line, summed up exactly how I've felt for a really long time.

For years, this is something that has been ringing at the back of my mind, nagging at me and echoing around somewhere inside when I'm feeling most empty. It's the terrifying fear that grips me and holds on tight. What am I doing with my life? Is this really living? I was never a big fan of music, instruments aren't my life; As such, up to this moment in the movie, I've been "vaguely entertained at best". Then this line snuck up on me and tugged my heart in a million directions. I didn't understand what this movie was about, until I heard this line, and suddenly I was a hundred percent emotionally invested. This movie means something to me. Because this desperate musician? He's just like me.

I wouldn't say that I live in constant fear of achieving nothing in life, no that's not true. On good days, I think I'm doing well with the life I've been given; I think that I'm actually on my way to somewhere. On not so good days, a niggling voice asks me, what if I fail? What if I never get there? What am I missing out on? Is this what life is for? Am I just another lost soul taking up space and air on this crowded, busy planet?

It's not easy to have a goal, and spend the past 5 years of your life working towards the beginning of it. Not even the end goal, but the first step to achieve it. Not to be an artist or to land a job at the band, just to go to art school or even receive a phone call for an audition. Just a dipping a little toe into the big sea of dreams and a tiny chance at reaching the stars.

Here, I shan't be too proud and confess, I did drop a tear or two while watching this musician argue with his mother. We may not be alike in many ways, I'm not a musician, I'm not a teacher, I am certainly not middle aged and struggling to find a job (yet), but I connected to him instantly in a heart jerking manner. That's me and there's no mistake about it. I've held similar conversations with my own parents about an artistic career and it went in a similar fashion.

"Its my dream! I want to do something I love."

"You still need to feed yourself. Be practical."

"I have to chase this otherwise I feel like I've done nothing in life."

"That's not true. You have me and all I ever wanted is for my baby to be happy."

Maybe the words weren't exactly the same, maybe the circumstances weren't all that alike, but the words hit me the same. Does chasing my dream mean I end up ignoring the people I love? The people who love me?

This was what I managed to glimpse on my own, a subconscious understanding I grappled with for months to come.

The second realisation, took a little more prompting. I didn't notice it until it was very clearly shoved into comparison right under my nose. Train rides. More specifically, what do train rides mean? What do they symbolise in the movie Soul? Obviously, this is not the only interpretation, but this is one I didn't think about before but found rather meaningful when I was introduced to it.

Train rides symbolise what the main character viewed as a "boring" life. The life of every single working person out there not doing something they love. The kind of life he would hate to lead. Going to work all dreary, coming home even more deadened and weighed down. What a sad sad life. Until he did it. He plays at that magical band, had the time of his life and then when it was all over, what did he do? Take a train ride home. The same grey scene, the same tired looking people. What changed? Nothing.

Right after he ended the performance of his life, he got ready to leave and felt rather odd. It felt like a certain part of his life was over, and there wasn't anything to look forward to now. The question of "What happens next?" finally appeared in his life. He consulted his idol and she said, "We come back tomorrow night and do it all again."

Oh. A moment of awkward silence. And then he goes, "I thought it'd feel different." Then she leaves and he goes on, to that train ride, to head home just like everybody else. Ultimately, a job is still a job, and when you reach that goal, the shimmer and shine just disappear. Having achieved something, it's appeal isn't as mesmeric as it used to be. Poof. Gone. It's now just a regular old job. That's all there is to it.

Seeing the lackluster life of After, I felt frustrated with the movie. Isn't it supposed to be this big thing he spent almost the whole movie trying to achieve? It suddenly turned out to be nothing, and this poor guy actually did spend most of his existence chasing after this one thing. Couldn't it at least have turned out better for him? Shouldn't living your dream be so much more magical than everything you've ever dreamed? After everything that was ridiculously anticlimactic. I was annoyed.

What I realised only a whole lot later was that, the reality of it all, it shattered my illusions. Sure, in all my preparations for a future artistic career, I've been extremely practical with all my imaginations, but practicality is not reality. This was an oversight. I am emotionally prepared for hard work, tireless unending nights, lack of a social life. All that, I was ok with, but when it came to reality, I completely missed out one very important part. Me.

My imaginations of reality mainly involved money, how to stay alive and well fed, how I would assure friends and family that I knew what I was doing etc etc, but I never imagined how I myself might feel and change as I embarked on this path. I never thought about how I might feel when I actually reached that place I've been working so hard towards for oh so very long. I've definitely thought about how much I would rejoice when I reached my big dream and goal, but it never crossed my mind about After. What happens next? How would I feel about it?

Seeing the realities of a dream setting in has uprooted my whole mindset, shook it around and placed it back completely upside down. Everything suddenly felt wrong and I felt inadequately prepared. My mind suddenly felt like I've been looking at everything wrong the whole time.

Would I really be happy once I've reached where I've always wanted to be? What is it that I really want?

Would becoming a freelance artist, dedicating my whole life into creating as a career, really be something I'll be satisfied doing? Forever? Forever may not be realistic, but it certainly is a long time, just like how the rest of my life is going to be a really long time (preferably). What am I really looking for?

I had no answer, but perhaps I found an inspiration in Soul.

How it all concluded was that this musician with big dreams and ambitions, ended up right back where he began, but much happier for the spin around life he took. The job he originally detested and couldn't wait to get away from became something he found joy and comfort in. His passion in music was still alive, but now he could share it with his students and help others who dream like him.

From the very start of my journey, I never entertained the idea of becoming an art teacher. It was simply ridiculous. Only artists who failed in life and couldn't get anywhere ended up as art teachers to make a pathetic living out whatever they could do. Clearly, my judgements were misplaced and I have certainly been influenced by the very same kind of stereotypes I detest about artists.

Seeing this movie, my mind opened a little and suddenly, becoming a teacher doesn't seem like the route of failure. It's a path of meaning and value, just as being a freelance teacher may be. Every career is meaningful so long as you believe in the value you give in the process of it all. Perhaps this may be the path for me one day and I could help all the dreamers out there like me. I could show them the way and be their support when they cannot find people who understand their drive and passion. I can provide what I could never find. This is something valuable, more than whatever joy I can bring myself in creating all on my own. This is something bigger than me, bigger than the dream I had before, and I liked the idea of giving more. This is achieving more. And when you dream big, you should really dream big. Also, goodness knows, if I really ended up a freelancer, nobody would ever remember my existence apart from a name written down somewhere. I'm such a hermit crab, I would literally never talk to anyone else unless I absolutely have to, so perhaps a different type of job would be beneficial for me too…

Of course, these are all speculations, my own mental musings. By now you should know, I do a terrible amount of that. I live in my head a lot, but it does bring me places and I'm glad I had this thought process. I figured I should get it out there somewhere; Maybe someone else who similarly felt unsettled by the movie Soul could figure out why if they ever find this little corner of the internet. Maybe it'll just remain unread until I remember it years later and come back laughing at myself in retrospect. Either way, this means something to me, and while Disney and the producers may never see this, I'd like to thank them a million times over for the ways they have accidentally changed my mind, my dream and my life.

This movie has been an eye opening experience, and when I call it my new favourite, I say it in an affectionate manner. It didn't make me excited and a crazy fan, but it certainly tugged at my heart strings and spoke to me in ways that no other movie has done. This movie would always hold a special place in my heart for the realisations it has sparked within me.

Last of all, before I end off, I'd like to share a little digital drawing I've made with relation to this new favourite movie of mine. In the days before my Instagram account officially crashed (it still hasn't revived by the way, my appeals have not been sent through because there is a problem they have been trying to "fix" for over a month now) I managed to catch wind of the #soulpersonachallenge which is kinda like a draw this in your style art challenge, except you draw you in their style.

I've never been one to draw people (even drawing hands and feet and eyes are a little scary to me. They are my first attempt to slowly piece together human anatomy and one day hopefully be brave enough to try them all at once). In particular, I avoided faces. A lot. There is something about capturing a person's intense uniqueness, their individuality. Failure to do that would be misrepresentation, and it gets painfully obvious the more familiar others are with the person in question. Even if I picked a random person to sketch out, it feels wrong if I drew their nose off, or made their mouth way too gape-y and wide; It would feel like I'd butchered up their identity.

Of course in an effort to face my fears, I have attempted sketching faces. I started with myself, because at least if I messed anything up, I would only be offending myself, which is much better than offending everyone else I knew around me (ok they probably wouldn't be that offended, but there's pressure to get it right and I'd just feel bad if I didn't). My sketches so far haven't been anything spectacular, nothing fantastic. Definitely nothing stylised. So clearly, I struggled with this challenge. A lot.

A lot of advice about stylised portraits goes something like this, "Capture the most unique trait and emphasise that!" Well, I was stumped already at step 0.5. What was unique about me? Facial features are one thing, but your personality, your soul shines from so much deeper within. And the magical thing about people is, you can see it.

It's in the way the very edges of their mouth quirks up when they smile. It's in the way their eyes crinkle gently at you. It's in the way their forehead pickers at just that specific spot when they are displeased. Their soul is shining out and it's magical how we can perceive that.

Which made me realise, maybe the drawing doesn't have to look like me. It just has to feel like me. If that makes sense. My art style is realistic in many ways, I copy off reference pictures, I stick with what's real and observable. A lot of time, this makes my art pieces lack spirit, a specific style or individuality. At least in my eyes. It doesn't feel like my work, it's just work. It doesn't feel personal. So this time, I threw all caution out the window. I drew not how I look, but how I feel and how I want others to feel when they see me.

And so, this drawing was born.

The sketch was quick, I didn't need to think much about it. Compared to my previous sketches and ideas (I am not exhibiting here because I assure you, they were grotesque) this one was simple and flowed from my hand with ease. I was immediately satisfied, excited even with this little sketch I made. It didn't look much like me, but felt right. And that's what happens with art right? Do it if it feels like you should, because not everything has to make sense. The world doesn't exist in black and white, it's in grey and rainbow and a million other colours we haven't discovered yet.

This is the first self portrait I've ever done, really completed and "see-able" to the public eye. And I didn't even use a reference picture. It was exhilarating. And suddenly, I realised, it made sense to me.

This is the me I see, and the me I want people to see. This is my truth, peacefulness, messiness, craziness and all. My mind and my heart is a mess a lot of times, but I exist in harmony with my chaos, and beauty arises out of it once in a while. Big messy dreams will sort themselves out in time to come. I promise.

Love, Cuix