Graduation, Drawing and Nostalgia

So... hi, it's been awhile? I promise I had good reason to be gone for a few months! First of all, yours truly was juggling my balance between art and studies so I could be a good student. The end bit of 2021 was mostly just me studying hard for A Levels, taking a bunch of exams and spending the rest of my time drawing/painting to unwind rather than spending more time with words. (See? That in itself is already kind of a good reason! Balance in life is important.) Secondly, I actually gave myself a 2 week vacation by moving to the other side of the country for sewing lessons. Okay, fine... It sounds fancier than it actually is since Singapore isn't actually that big and my instructor is actually my grandma, but hey, she is officially certified (twice!) and I have the certs to prove it too! Anyway, that's for later. The point is, I was really trying to live life first because you can't just keep creating, you need to "fill the well" so to speak, so you have something to draw from later. And in that sense, I realise that without even being aware of it, I have been filling my well diligently for the past 6 years in my school.

There were times when I wondered if I would be better off in another school - one that actually offered me art classes. I don't think I'll ever stop wondering how different my life would be if I had the chance to study art at a younger age, and I used to agonise over it, but now, I think I have actually been really blessed. River Valley High School was a place of so many good memories for me. I grew up there and spent basically my whole child-teenage-hood there. I learnt to love art, love writing, love people, love myself, in those very grounds. It will always be a special place for me. The idea of graduating and leaving the familiar place behind is still so foreign to me even now, 3 months after graduation. I knew I needed something to help me hold on to the second home of my past 6 years and a way to find closure and let go. So I did the one thing I could do as an artist - I drew.

I started with this piece:

This is a visual representation of all the young souls at RV, struggling to find their way, pick the right path for themselves, manifesting dreams and growing up. From the very first day, this was the vision I would have every morning when I step into the school grounds. Sure, they were just bamboo trees, but don't they also kinda look like carrot tops? Even after all these years, Young Me still squeaks in excitement when I step into school and imagine the giant bunny. "Is he going to finally pull out the carrot today?" My imagination never left me and this piece just shows how it has only grown with me throughout my journey in this school. A part of me will always remain with this little bunny and its rows of carrots.

I didn't just come up with this out of nowhere though. It started instead with these sketches:

One I did at home from mere memory,

Another I did on my first ever plein air sketching trip within the comfort of school grounds. I meant to do plein air sketching for a long time, going out in public with my sketchpad and just draw what I see, but I never had the courage to do that because of fear of judgement or being in the way I suppose. There was always a big crowd having PE at the field so it was never a "good time" to do some sketching. One day after my internal school exam, I told myself, it's now or never, you have time, the gate is locked, people probably won't walk by. DO IT!!!! So I grabbed my fountain pen, my highlighters and my sketchbook and plonked myself right there in the middle of the road right beside the school gate and drew. Lucky me, I had a friend willing to sit and chill out while I got a sense of the space I was going to draw later.

That was the first time I felt an end of sorts approaching. I would never get to sketch in school again. And there were still so many things I wanted to sketch and paint and draw within these grounds, just because I can! How silly to let fear hold me back. I don't want to look back and think of lost opportunities, and so, the painting spree had begun.

After my first fun plein air sketching experience, I thought, why the heck not? So one day, a Friday where my timetable (fortunately, though I always "complain" about its "inconvenience") allowed me almost 3 hours of free period in the mornings, I plonked myself down in the school garden with my calligraphy ink and started painting. I honestly had to psych myself up quite a bit to actually do it though. In my mind it was like, "Don't be nervous! Don't be awkward! Nobody's gonna question you. You're not doing anything wrong. Stop worrying. Pretend that you're supposed to be doing it. Fake outttttttttt!!!" And so my internal rambling to convince myself to not freak out over doing something odd in school helped tide over my nerves and eventually, I really enjoyed doing Chinese painting under the bamboo trees.

I guess a couple of people stared at me and a teacher even stopped by and asked about the painting, but all in all, it was a really calm spot in school and the atmosphere was so alike this scene I had in my head, of these empty bamboo forest with a quaint cottage and you can just smell the wind blowing through it all. It just felt so peaceful and I had 0 regrets doing it. In fact, it went by so quick, I had over and hour of my break left, plus I was getting kind of comfortable with the idea of painting-when-everyone-is-watching-but-only-from-afar-so-there's-not-actually-that-much-pressure.

And that's why this exists! This is actually within the same Chinese style "garden"/ The Scholar's Court that I sat and painted the previous piece. In fact, this little hole-in-the-wall structure I painted is really iconic in my school and all the students know about it. It's like a little arch and supposedly when you walk through it at the end of your journey at the school, you can officially "graduate" and have all the wonderful traits that the school has instilled in you over the years. That's why it's called 立德门, which really just means "door/arch that builds morals" in a reallyy rough translation. I liked that idea a lot and honestly, I felt like it was an iconic place to remember, so I painted it and kept it. It will stay with me forever now :)

Of course, I couldn't just stop there, so I figured, since I was supposed to be more spontaneous and do more crazy memorable things, I might as well do more illustrations of all the iconic places in school! Et voila! On the day of my very last A Level paper, the last day I would be in school ever again until results day months later, I went to school early to paint.

There I was, 5 hours early for my last examination with my sketchbook, ink, my iconic stick that I used to paint all these paintings (picked up from school 4 years ago might I add) and my camera stand and everything just sitting there at the bus stop opposite the school gates and painting this. This is what everyone see from the outside. The fancy building. The iconic school arch. This is what the media always portray. Sure, it's lovely, but there is so so so much more to just this face. Maybe the people passing by that bus stop looked at me weird, but you know, who cares, I'm allowed to paint my school if I want to!

When I was done (which to be entirely honest, I totally rushed coz I soooo didn't want to be caught by a curious crowd of RVians just done with their China Studies exam coming out to this bus stop and looking over my shoulder like I'm a street show. I might be over my nerves but I'm not thatttt over the awkwardness of having people star at you draw/paint and maybe silently judge you. I'm working on it) I moved into the school and painted the field. I struggled a lot with this one and at first I didn't like it, but in hindsight, it's pretty good! It's not artistic perfection like I wanted it to be, but it reflects the casualness that is school life. Boys on the field playing soccer. Flags up in the sky. A peek of the outside world a little further away. This space is like a little bubble of childhood for me. I often stand in the field and look up at the sky, thinking about how big it looks, how far away it is, but how it feels so close I can reach up at touch it, like its contained in a little glass dome and my school is the snow globe...

Eventually I moved on to another super cozy spot in my school. Fun fact! This was actually the place I picked up the stick that I still keep and paint with to this day. It's like my lucky stick and somehow unlocks this really beautiful rough brushstrokes I never knew I was capable of. This science garden is super cool though, I don't think we appreciate enough the fact that from a few levels up, the pond actually looks like the periodic table. Like, who designed this school?? That is soooo cool!! And minus the reality of bird poop and insects, it is actually really fun to sit at the edge of a lone square in the middle of the pond and just get lost in sketching... The little pieces of nature, the sun streaming in just right from around the building, the pine trees, the breeze and the gently gurgling water...

Time escaped me really quick and I had about an hour before the paper began (and as all good students know, you gotta get there early!) so really, I had about half hour for another painting if I reallyyyy wanted one. Which I did. So I speedwalked allllll the way back to the front of the school, right outside the general office to paint these iconic sculptures. Honestly, in the 6 years I was in this school, I knew they were these fancy gifts from a school in China or some alumni or something blah blah because let's be honest, when you are 13, all you care about is how some cool alumni donated your school a swing. A WHOLE SWING! Wait no, TWO SWINGS! See? So clearly I didn't really spend time admiring these, but for some reason, they had my attention just as I'm about to leave the school forever. I never thought about how beautiful it flows, how the whole structure is balanced and never tips over and how the afternoon light can shine in and make it look like its glowing golden. The alumni who did this did good. I spent only 15 minutes on this one, but I really really enjoyed the painting process. A couple of teachers looked at me funny but hey, I'm just an artist doing my own thing :)

Before I knew it, that was it. These are all I have, other than my memories, to remind me of this place that means so much to me. But it's already more than I could ever ask for, because going around the school and painting it, really noticing the school and imprinting it into my heart, I know, it will always be a fond memory to look back on. Who else can say they spent a whole morning alone, going around their school, painting it, remembering it and saying goodbye? It's like I found closure as I gently held and whispered goodbye to each spot I visited that day. The way there were that very day, will always be mine.

Then, because I learnt the beauty of art, its capability of capturing time, emotions and relationships, after my exams were all over, I committed myself to the biggest project I have ever undertaken in my life. It took me 3 months to get all the portraits and over 100 faces drawn, but I did it and I couldn't be more proud of myself.

I've grown so much, even as I left the school. I grew out of my fear of sketching in public, learning to love it instead. I grew out of my fear for portraits because I simply thought I was "bad" at it and could never do it. I grew out of my awkwardness of giving presents to people who I didn't feel "close" enough to. This all came out of love. Love for the place I spent so much time in, love for my friends, love for myself. In recording every brushstroke on paper (or technically on the screen since the portraits were digital), I felt closer to RV and all my friends than ever before. I truly know them now. It's different, knowing them as their usual loud, moving and conscious self, compared to them, held still for you to peruse and slowly contemplate.

What makes a person or place, that? I learned exactly how I thought about all these people and places, how much they meant to me and how well I truly knew them as I worked through the different shapes, colours and lines. Being an artist is to determine the soul and spirit of something and representing that essence on paper. It's not easy, but when you get it right, you feel that warm lingering sense of satisfaction. There, you got that smile right. That's her. It just clicks and you suddenly feel like the person makes so much more sense. That is what I have come to learn about portraits. I still fear that they will turn out weird, but I also want to feel that moment of connection again. I'm proud of all I have achieved. I'm not who I was when I entered this school anymore. I lost parts of myself, parts that I'm not sure I want to keep anyway, but I also gained so much from my time here. This doesn't have to be the end. I want to keep creating, keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone, keep in contact with my friends, keep finding the courage to make new friends. I have been so so blessed to receive so much at RV. Thank you fate. Thank you RV. I am the luckiest soul ever!

I love you all, even the people I met but never spoke to. The people who looked at me funny when they saw me sketching. The people who told me I was cool and to keep it up. To all the people who loved me back and the people who didn't. You were all a part of my journey and I would never be here without all that I've been through. Maybe this is what I would have missed if I went to art school. If so, then I'm glad I didn't go.

Love, Cuix